The big news story of the past few days has seen one senile old man left livid about the circumstances that led to a comprehensive defeat at the hands of another old man.
But anyway, enough about Crystal Palace vs Leeds; let’s talk about the US Election for a minute.
More specifically, let’s do that 90min thing where we take a massive event that couldn’t be less related to football if it was the Ryder Cup, and bludgeon it over the head with the Premier League.
Oh yeah, here are all 20 current Premier League managers, ranked on their suitability for US President.
Vice President: Tim Ream
Not only is Scott Parker the least suitable Premier League manager to be US President, he is possibly the least suitable of all 7.564 billion people on earth. Don’t get me wrong, he would probably be great at selling you a car, but that’s a different gig to leading the free world.
His voice is too squeaky anyway, and he’d probably pee himself on stage at his inauguration.
Vice President: David de Gea
Ruthless. Decisive. Strategic. Uncompromising. Indomitable
All things the President of the United States has to be, and all things that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is comprehensively not.
Don’t get me wrong, his three months as President-elect would be great, but then he would actually move into the White House. and we’d all realise he can’t actually do the job.
Vice President: Marouane Fellaini
Moyes wouldn’t be the worst of the pretty terrible pool we have here, but he would be the least inspiring, and that’s bad enough. His experience, scary eyes, and Peter-Capaldi-devoid-of-charisma energy would get him by for a while, but there’s only so long that someone from Fife can last in any office, let alone the Oval one.
Vice President: Kalvin Phillips
The lunatics would run the asylum in Bielsa’s White House, and no-one would quite understand how or why productivity is at an all-time high despite him spreading his staff out all over Washington.
He would eventually have the office taken from him by Congress after trying to use nuclear weapons to end a minor conflict in Kazakhstan, and would spend the rest of his days plugging unhinged conspiracy theories on Fox News.
Vice President: Wee Joe Allen
CNN are banned from the White House press room for questioning the historical accuracy of Rodgers’ elaborate tales. He insists he did have dinner with the founding fathers in Philadelphia, and one of his many meetings with his friend Abraham Lincoln did in fact take in a diner off Route 66. What, is he a liar?
Vice President: Billy Sharp
The first and only President in history to deploy overlapping Secretaries of Defence. No-one really knows what that means but it seems to confuse opposing governments.
Vice President: Ray Lewington
Normally we’d make a joke here about how Roy Hodgson is too old or something, but America just elected someone who will be in his 80s by the time their first term is out, so who knows?
He speaks five languages, can’t pronounce his Rs properly, and made almost 60 appearances for Gravesend and Northfleet in the late 1960s. There’s your Presidential CV.
Vice Presidents: John Terry, Richard O’Kelly & Craig Shakespeare
Smith’s bland, inoffensive and utterly forgettable campaign wins out over a democratic candidate the American voters deemed ‘too political’. In his victory speech, he says he is ‘quite pleased, yeah’ to be there.
He surrounds himself with a team of tried-and-tested staff who can do the job without him, and spends his days sifting through catalogues trying to decide which shade of beige paint best matches the rug in the Oval Office.
Vice President: Adam Lallana
Anyone close to Potter and his progressive Presidency would insist he is actually doing a fairly good job. He’d have the House, Senate and Supreme Court all functioning as one, finding a balance with gun control and socialised healthcare that pleases most Americans.
But ultimately, he would be completely forgotten.
Vice President: Luka Modric
Bilic is known to use music to motivate his players, and even fronts Croatian rock band Rawbau in his spare time. Look.
We’ve never had a rock star president before, so let’s get him voted in before he ruins it for himself by arguing with the House speaker over a marginal legislative decision.
Vice President: Jonjo Shelvey
The ultimate safe pair of hands, Bruce would be a fine President. Not ‘good’ but definitely ‘fine’.
A solid 6/10, occasionally veering up as high as a seven but never dropping below 5.5. Rarely feared, rarely admired, but universally respected.
Vice President: Nathan Redmond
Arrogance, paranoia and being a sore loser are trendy attributes for a US President. So maybe Guardiola is onto something.
Donald Trump’s post-defeat meltdown was the best one we’ve seen since Guardiola shouted at the sky against Liverpool last season. The Tea Party will be in touch.
Vice President: James Ward-Prowse
There is something very Presidential about Hasenhuttl’s big smiling moon face. In another life, he would definitely be a revolutionary political leader.
Unfortunately, his methods are just too radically left for an American electorate who still widely believe guns should be a right, but socialised healthcare shouldn’t. He wouldn’t make it through the first round of Democrat voting.
Vice President: A worm
No-one is better suited to the ‘Commander-in-Chief’ side of the job than the militant Dyche, who would rule with an iron fist and have no problem taking flack for the tough decisions.
He would have to have the more nuanced aspects of the job, such as how to navigate Congress, explained to him on a daily basis, and his answer to every crisis would be to lock down the country and see it out. Still, maybe that’s the sort of leader America needs.
Vice President: Steven Gerrard
Reporter: « So, Frank, what steps will your administration be taking to get the coronavirus pandemic under control? »
Lampard: « Look, y’know it’s a big problem, big big problem in our country. Almost as big as the West Brom game last season! No, but seriously it’s a big problem… »
One of Lampard’s first moves as President would obviously be to recruit a few senior advisers from the German government, but despite a rocky start, his sweet-talking charm would get the media and public onside. He’s a bit dense, but nothing the right guidance can’t work around.
Vice President: Arsene Wenger
Could you not just see Arteta’s sculpted hairline and dominating eyebrows carved into the face of Mount Rushmore?
The Arsenal boss took a massive jump in at the deep end at the Emirates, but only seems to have thrived under the immense pressure of the job. At one stage, he had moulded a David Luiz-Shkodran Mustafi-Rob Holding back three into something vaguely competent. If you can do that, you can do anything.
Vice President: Conor Coady
Nothing would get done for the first half of Santo’s first term, since all of his staff would be too busy admiring his beard. It really is a work of art.
Once things get off the ground, however, it’s like a well-oiled machine. A skeleton staff – because that’s how he likes it – work themselves into the ground to devastating effect, consistently over-performing what is expected of them, and leading to a new American golden age.
It’s clear that Conor Coady is being lined up as his successor, given that he literally never steps outside of a five-yard radius of Santo for the eight years he is in power.
Vice President: James Milner
The way Klopp has married his radical philosophy with tactical pragmatism to achieve sustained success in England should act as an example to America on how you can embrace change and improve for the better while staying true to what you believe.
That sounded weirdly meaningful, didn’t it?
You just need to listen to what Klopp said in the early throes of the pandemic to be convinced of his leadership credentials. It’s not clear how much credit empathy and understanding wins you in America these days, however; we’ll need to keep an eye on how the Biden presidency goes to find out.
Vice President: Eric Dier
OK so compared to some of the others here, Mourinho is a horrible bastard. But to be President, you sort of have to be. He knows how to wrap the media round his little finger and get you to listen to him, while there’s no doubt he has the strength of character to get his administration in line.
He’s one of football’s best strategic minds, always hatching some plan or other to get his team through the 90 minutes, and even if it seems like he overcomplicates it at times, the end usually justifies the means.
Plus, his inevitable tantrums won’t even look that bad, given the shoes he is filling.
Jose, you’re up.
Vice President: Duncan Ferguson
Ah, you all forgot about old Carlo, didn’t you? The man’s gravelly-voiced speeches already ooze with Presidential gravitas, and he hasn’t even won the nomination yet.
Everything you’d want from a leader, Ancelotti has it. Experience, charisma, profile, even style. His leathery demeanour is a symbol for how difficult it is to get under his skin, and you can just picture him at a G8 summit telling Boris Johnson how it is.
He’s also just 61 (only four years older than Mourinho, wild), which is still basically a child as far as modern US Presidents are concerned.